Empty Nest, Full Life: Rediscovering Joy and Identity After the Kids Move Out
Fridge Philosophy: A spring break visit from our daughter reminded me that letting go doesn’t mean losing everything—it means redefining love, identity, and what comes next.
Note: Since 2018, I have placed these short quotes on our refrigerator at home to provide subtle hints for successful, thoughtful, and purposeful practices in hopes my teens would internalize them. Along the way, I found them helpful in my own life.
Last week, our daughter was home for her first Spring Break as a college student. I had seen her a few weeks ago, but this was an entire week when she would be around for dinner, watching the Amazing Race with us, and a presence in our home.
But though she flew home on a Thursday, I didn’t connect with her until Saturday. And yes, some of our missed connections were related to her own life and catching up with friends. But I was also responsible with my own life. I scheduled a work meeting a road trip away on Friday. On Saturday, I had a table at a craft fair selling LOSE YOURSELF, and on Sunday, I participated in an author talk at a local bookstore.
For the next week, I found myself surprised she was around. I have grown so accustomed to being in the empty nest with my wife that it’s odd when the kids return. We are transitioning into this next phase of life, and I am liking it. Does that make me a bad father?
For some parents, children moving out of the house can be a time of great stress and anxiety. In an article on Healthline.com, parents experience sorrow, doubt, existential doubt, and relationship issues. I empathize with how those experiences can manifest. At the center of this anxiety are feelings of a vanishing identity, a diminishing impact on the “child’s” daily life, and an understanding that we likely have fewer days ahead of us. It can be quite jarring.
“It’s common for parents to find letting go to be a painful experience ─ even though they actively encourage their children to be independent,” says Dr. Jessica Sosso, Family Medicine, Mayo Clinic Health System in Mayo Clinic News Network. “Parents might find it difficult to suddenly have no children at home who need their care. They might miss being a part of their children’s daily lives and their constant companionship. Parents with only one child or those who strongly identify with their role as a parent might have a particularly difficult time adjusting.”
According to Dr. Sosso, the best way to help with these feelings of loss is to accept reality and redefine your life, including the relationship of your children in that life, in a new way. She suggests keeping in touch, remaining positive about the children’s new experiences, and finding new ways to define this next phase of life.
For me, writing has helped. It’s hard to lament my current world when I’m immersed in another and dealing with my character’s problems. But it’s not only writing fiction. I’m meeting a community of readers and writers interested in everything from fridge philosophies to streaming show recommendations. Writing is not only therapeutic; it is something to do. I can explore various ways to work through problems on the page instead of in real life. This provides me with a deliberative and contemplative process to understand myself, my children, my spouse, and the world. Acceptance of this reality has opened new avenues not travelled when we were busy navigating dance, soccer, cross-country, track, orchestra, and more. These include:
Culture: A night out used to mean getting a sitter or coordinating with activities. And the idea of taking in a play? Forget about it. But in the last six months, I’ve attended three theater performances, including two at a local community theater. I’m embracing the communal joy of live theater. Who knows? Maybe a symphony is soon in order.
Time out with friends: Remember those times in your 20s when you randomly went to ballgames or enjoyed another couple’s company without a strict time constraint? Trivia has become a couple’s activity, and I’m all in.
Travel flexibility: How amazing is it to look at a weekend and know that it isn’t already reserved for a competition or a tournament? Those weekends are free to seek new adventures, take a break from the weekly life, or leave town just because.
Healthier eating: No longer are the teenagers with their endless metabolism and penchant for inconsequential food choices around to influence me. No more random snacks “bought for the kids” to give me its intimidating stare.
Fun and frivolous purchases: On a recent trip, a hotel featured a record player in the room and a vinyl library in the lobby. Listening to the album brought notes of nostalgia—so much so that a record player is now in my house with plans to rediscover albums. Now, these albums are on Spotify, but why not? I don’t have to feel guilty that it’s cutting into savings for college.
Catchup time: Whether it’s a weekly call or a periodic visit, I value this time catching up with my son and daughter. We’ve seen the meme that shares that 90% of the time you spend with your child happens in the first 18 years of life. Each moment is valuable, and while we transition into a new phase of influence in our children’s lives, we cherish those moments and make the most out of them.
Nevertheless, as a GenXer, I don’t like the acknowledgment that an empty nester is old. After all, we are known for turning 30 at 15 and staying 30 well into our 50s. I still wear my shorts, t-shirts, and caps. I’m still locked in the 90s. I’m not ready to acknowledge that we are ten years past the “future” of Back to the Future II. That’s too heavy to contemplate.
Life in an empty nest is about finding ourselves, creating new pathways, and leaning into the challenges that provide new growth and fulfillment.
Side of Mustard
How do you like this new book trailer for LOSE YOURSELF? My award-winning novel will be released on Audible and iTunes in a week.
As always, you can purchase it on Amazon, bookshop.org, or Buy Direct!
“Wetzel brilliantly captures the magic of sport as well as offering up an often touching and sentimental study of family dynamics. A candid and vibrant sports drama.” - The Booklife Prize
“Lose Yourself features six interconnected stories centered around a thrilling chase for .400, and Vince Wetzel manages to go 6-for-6. is a baseball book that is so much more than a baseball book, beautifully showing the impact the game has on our lives.” - Scott Bolohan, thetwinbill.com
“A kaleidoscopic look at the power and beauty of the sport both on and off the field, Lose Yourself is ample proof that baseball is life.” - Mark Stevens, The Fireballer